Unattainable desire
by mybloodyday
Summary: She changed him…even if she didn t know it…She was like poison, a deadly poison meant to destroy him from inside out slowly, in the most painful way he could image.HidaKona Complete


**Unattainable desire**

**Author`s note: I do not own the characters, only the story...sadly...**

* * *

It begins:

The first time he caught his first glimpse of her was in the dusk of a cafe, under the puddles of light coming from the suns beams . Hidan was merely working there, being a parentless teenager, he was under the necessity of supporting himself if he didn`t want to live on the streets, and he didn`t have any relatives to help him either . But that was fine with him, the time he lived in the orphanage toughed him up and he was used being on his own most of the time. Being a problematic person who got annoyed easely, the hostile aura that surrounded him daily, his rather "unique" vocabulary, that and his rebel appearance didn`t earn him many friends either, not that he needed any. His past experiences made him learn the hard way that people are nothing more then fucking back stabbing bags of shit, standing by you when they need your help, then tossing you aside like a piece of trash. It became natural for him to push away anyone who dared to get too close. So it was shocking even for Hidan to find someone fascinate him in any way

She was sitting at a table of two by the window, gazing at the colorful flowers that decorated it, with a faraway look on her face. There were no words that gave her justice Perfect, that`s it She was like that magnificent blue dress that she was wearing, unique and elegant, with a hidden shyness. Her expressive amber eyes and her features were accentuated by the rays of the morning sun, giving her the appearance of an angel with no wings. What attracted him more was that faint smile that flauted confidence and beauty, he thought that it was more to it that it appeared, a special secret of a timid girl, a head full of uncertainties He was drawn to her because he has them too, concealing them with a mask of indifference, portraying a person who doesn`t have a care in the world and doesn`t seem to be affected by anything but that mask would be off when he would find himself, alone, confined by the walls of his crappy apartment, the silence being disturbed only by the muffled sound of the passing cars in the early nights wondering what is his purpose in life?... Would he be able to achieve something?...anything?.. Would his life always be stuck in this routine of doing anything possible in order to survive?...would he always be glared at as if he was a disgrace to this world? those questions tormented him daily...people looked at him, he knew what they thought a sad excuse for a man a delinquent with no morals and no future.

Hidan knew that he shouldn`t be bothered by it, what would they know? It is only human nature to judge someone even if they knew nothing about the person in cause but he couldn`t suppress his disgust at those who would easely step on you. With time, that disgust morphed into hatred, hatred towards all those who misjudged him, hatred toward his so called parents who choose to abandon him in that wrecked place, hatred toward fate because he was forced to live this pathetic existence filled with those filthy maggots who couldn`t see past his features even at an early age he was leered at and ridiculed by the other children at the orphanage because of his unique appearance, having deep violet eyes and silver hair wasn`t seen as something normal. Because of that, he wasn`t accepted in their little group and was forced to be a lonely soul his only comfort being his religion, and that he discovered by sheer luck.

Usually his refuge was the old attic of the orphanage, where there were stored some old books that nobody needed them. He knew that he will not be disturbed by anyone there. In those silent hours of the afternoon, as he was brushing some dust from the books to pass the time, Hidan came upon an ancient looking book with faded wrapping and a strange symbol on the barely there cover. His young curiosity took over him as he began reading some paragraphs ,but as he drowned more in the lecture he became more immersed by it.

The strange book turned out to be a bible a Jashinist bible actually, this odd book had an air of darkness to it, the pages were filled by the same strange symbol from before, a circle with an upside down triangle in the middle, and those strung words on the yellowed paper would have put a shiver down anyones spine, but it wasn`t the same case with Hidan. He was actually awed by it .It talked about the slaughter of the sinners, those who wouldn`t understand the pain of others, hatred toward all that is associated with love and kindness, the unusual paradise of this deity .Hidan felt this was the most close form of understanding he could get, even thought it was a religion which it may or not exist in those days, but he didn`t care .it felt as if he found a lost friend, a friend who was experiencing the same discontents and ails as him, and that gave him hope from that day on his religion became his only solace.

Now as he looked at the sheer beauty that girl could posses, he wasn`t so sure anymore .He couldn`t distinguish those feelings crippling inside his chest at the mere sight of her. He felt as if he knew her since forever, that she was the solution of all his problems. Hidan was aware that he could be overreacting those feelings were new to him, almost alien..but he couldn`t shake off that feeling that maybe this girl could possibly understand him and maybe there was an invisible link between them. But those thoughts shattered and disappointment washed over him as his violet eyes took in the sight of an orange haired man with multiple piercings on his face walk over the blue haired females table and sit himself beside her.

Of course she would be involved in a relationship, he thought with a sneer on his lips such a lovely creature like her wouldn`t be single. This was one of the reasons he shouldn`t lose his head so easely if he didn't want to be hurt in the process. He told himself that all the time. He guessed that he was caught in the spell of the moment, considering that she was a pretty sight to look at and only his hormones were talking yes, lust and nothing more.  
The silver haired lad tried to ignore the sharp jabs in his heart as he put on a faint smirk and made his way to their table to take their order.

* * *

He sees her almost every day . he learned from one of the coworkers that her name is Konan .

Over the past few weeks since she first came there he tried to brush off that pressure on his heart every time he saw her enter the cafe but the effort was futile he couldn`t deny it anymore he was slowly falling for her and he knew he would have no chance to be with that peculiar girl. Strange how could someone develop strong feelings for a person that he barely knew. He was also aware that this was complete blasphemy in the eyes of his God and it became even harder for him to struggle with those new emotions.

Perhaps it was that air of melancholy that seemed to float around her , or that thought that she was the polar opposite of him that made him slowly love her. She wasn`t like those preppy girls who bossed their boyfriends around and screech at anything they would find annoying , or those who seemed to flirt shamelessly with anything that moved and not care about their dignity. He saw all the categories, bimbos, timid ones who were scared even of their own shadow, money wasters and so long. But that Konan girl, she was one of a kind in his opinion. She carried herself with an almost regal way, her every movement seemed elegant and suave, her amber eyes sparkled with intelligence and that enigmatic smile on her red lips made her hauntingly beautiful. Her calm and collected demeanor intrigued him to no end, made him wonder what secrets she hid behind that angelic face of hers.  
That young woman was an enigma to him, he knew there was more than it meet the eye when his gaze lingered on her, and that sudden urge to discover more things about this beautiful being wrapped around him so strongly that he could barely breathe. Hidan knew this was self destructing and irrational, he really knew, but he couldn`t control it anymore. He would often find himself stand behind the counter and admire her from afar, being magnetized by her whole persona, or making everything in his power to be him the one who would take her order, only for the brief glance from her alluring more Hidan begged his mind to stop thinking of her, he would lose to the futility of his stubborn heart so he stopped altogether fighting those feelings.

Once, he guessed that not seeing her for a while would help, so he faked being sick and stayed home for a couple of days. It really should have helped, but she came back looking gorgeous than ever and he thought that he was done for. It is true when it was said that love is unpredictable. We don`t know when it would strike, where it would strike and whom it will strike and it is even cruel when your feelings aren`t returned by your object of desire.

Sometimes she will be accompanied by that pierced freak from before and she would give him that soft smile and her amber eyes would have that tender look in them in those moments Hidan could feel sharp stabbing pains in his chest and throughout his body as jealousy consumed him .He often found himself wondering what was it about him that she found so enchancing? Maybe it was the jealousy taking a tool of him but he saw how those ringed gray eyes would stare coldly at her, how he didn`t seem to ever return her soft smiles and how he seemed to distance himself from the world and lock himself in a shell. It was clear like day that he didn`t acknowledge her subtle affection and that single fact seemed to infuriate him even further.

The moments he cherished the most were those when she would come alone she would stand there, lost in her thoughts, bathed in the rays of the early morning and he would focus his attention solely on her, observing her every movement, her expressions, everything to paint it in his memory. That was pathetic, he was aware of it pathetic and foolish as it was, she was the only colorful thing in his gray life now she was invading his dreams, thoughts every morning he would wake up and his stomach would fill with butterflies to know that he would be able to see her that day. Then he will stay in his solitary spot, behind the counter, on the other side of the room, smiling softly with her, pleading with her to look at him, notice him. But she didn`t. And as days progressed he fell farther and farther into despair.

If he talked to her would she talk back to him? Or would she simply stare at him coldly and walk away. He often considered if he should sit next to her, maybe say hello and start a conversation. But Hidan knew he will be lost for words or may slip something unintentionally rude from nervousness, if he had to stare at her face and say something intuitive and charming. She was an addiction, a drug that he loved but knew it was wrong, he wanted to quit this charade because it made him miserable, ashamed with himself and it confused him so much. This was an obsessive love, love for a girl that he inevitably has no chance with.

* * *

She didn`t came yesterday...or the day after that .

What a fucked up thing to long for someone you barely know, to stay like a lost puppy and perk up every time you hear the jingling of the bell from the door, expecting her to be there but become quickly disappointed that it was just some old crone with a cane in her hand. Hidan swore he was going mental he hated to be like some fucked up pussy who cried for his doolies, he hated those damned emotions she made him feel and the fact that he was becoming soft. He was supposed to be cruel, emotionless, hateful toward everything not standing there wallowing in misery, imaging all kinds of scenarios for why she wasn`t there, making him sensitive and snappy every time someone dared to address him in some way other than working problems. Despite that, he still waited there, surrounded by people, yet so lonely because her presence was missing. He missed her, but she probably didn`t even think about him .

Why should she? After all he was only her waiter and nothing more

* * *

The air around him was no longer frigid and forlorn as waves of shock washed over him and his heart started to race when he glimpsed her enter the cafe after two weeks of disappearance. He almost collapsed from the sheer relief of seeing her again.

Those weeks of waiting and longing were purely torture for the silver haired teen. He never thought he would find himself in this situation, to feel this emotional pain, especially caused by another human being. That never happened to him before and he didn`t like it one bit. It was different from physical pain he could take that but this was just unbearable. Only now he realized, disgusted with himself, that he was so dependent by her mere presence, by the simply thought of knowing she was there, even though she was far away from his reach. This wasn`t him at all she changed him even if she didn`t know it she made him confused, made him doubt his beliefs he guided on all his woman had a dangerous ability and she didn`t even know the power she welds upon him.

Even now, the young man was so glad that he barely contended himself not to go there , grab her and hold her tight to his chest, then kiss her as hard and long as he wanted, but luckily he managed to control himself, he wouldn`t want to scare her off and put a restrain order on him. As amethyst eyes followed her moving form, Hidan couldn`t help but notice that there was something off with the blue haired angel as she sat down at her usual table.  
She seemed tired and even though she barely had any expression on her face, the pale young man learned to read her emotions from all the time he spent observing her. She also seemed to be upset by something, if that little frown on her delicate features was any indication for that. Her posture was more slouched than usual and her perfect hair wasn`t decorated with her paper white flower.

" _Yes, there is something fucking wrong with her.."_, Hidan thought, and he had to swallow that lump in his throat when she gazed at him with a surprised look the moment he brought her order without asking what she wanted. The young jashinist had to smile at that .Of course he knew what she would order by heart. But soon that little smile slowly faded from his pale face as his violet orbs locked with her amber ones. They looked tired and red, and despite her heavy make-up he could clearly see that they were a little puffy .She had been crying...

He could feel that sickly feeling worming it`s way in his heart as the sudden urge to smash whoever made her cry came to him with full force. Who the fuck was that fucking bastard that dared to hurt his angel? Maybe it was that ginger head from before yes he was sure that the fucking asshole with a stick up his arse was the cause of her tears. Hidan was sure that if he were to be in that very cafe , he would have gone ballistic on that shithead. He despised him with all the fiber of his being.  
" ..._thank you_ ."  
He was brought back from his homicidal thoughts by those two spoken words. They were whispered, but he could distinguish that soft voice anywhere. Only then he realized that he was still standing in the same spot as before, probably for a full minute by now, and she was staring at him with those hooded eyes, an almost curious glint in them. Hidan had to suppress that shiver that went up his spine when those wonderful pair of orbs fixed themselves on his figure. He must have looked like a freak, standing there rotted on the spot stiff as a board and looking as if he wanted to go on a murderous rampage. Not wanting to make a bigger fool out of himself, he gave a curt nod before scurrying off.  
The thought of taking a seat beside her and try gaining her trust in order to confide her problems to him and relieve that pressure off her chest crossed his mind for a second but he brushed it off as quick as it came. No... she had to sort out her thoughts alone.

Most people say that all you need in those moments of heartbreak is a shoulder to cry and a few nice words to raise your spirits but he knew better, if you want to overcome your failures in your life, that only depends on you and no one else sometimes words were not enough to mend a broken heart. He knew that they would make no difference, yes, for a few moments they will cheer you up a bit, but by the time you find yourself alone, reality will crash down upon you, and you will realize the pain was never mended and it was still there, even more powerful than before. She needed peace and quiet, to clear her mind and be able to pull herself together, and this cafe was the perfect environment for this sort of thing.  
As he departed from the melancholic young woman, he briefly wondered if she even noticed the extra meringue he put in her coffee.

* * *

Hidan pondered if this was some kind of punishment from his Jashin God for daring doubting his teachings even for a second , or some sick joke fate had bellowed upon him only for it`s own twisted amusement at his expence. Why do all humans reach and wish for something that it was never there? Why do they keep lying to themselves that everything it`s alright when it is obvious it isn`t? Why do they all choose to be drowned in their own fantasies and loose all links with reality only to be awaked by a rough wakeup call as your perfect little world they managed to build up so carefully crumbled before their eyes in the most unexpecting moments?

Being alone nearly all his life, he grew tired of the solitude he threw upon himself. He cursed that sudden foolish need of human companionship, the need to have someone to confine in, someone to care for him... he cursed the day he first laid his eyes upon her because she made him feel weakness, made him feel desolated and lost... she was like poison, a deadly poison meant to destroy him from inside out slowly, in the most painful way he could image.  
He felt as if he were dangling from the edge of a gulf, while searching frantically for something to reach for and manage to save himself from falling in that black abyss that stretched under him, it`s darkness mocking him, threating to swallow him whole. His hopes and dreams vanished from his mind as if they were wiped out with a sponge and his heart wrecked in thousand directions at once from the loss of them.

Those violet eyes filled with anger and hurt followed their moving forms as they sat beside each other. He watched as she gave him the same soft look as if she hadn`t been crying the day before, watched as he maintained his aloof and uncaring expression, those ringed eyes cold and unmoving, ignoring everything around him and succumbing in his own thoughts. That bastard didn`t deserve her one bit. And it hurt so fucking much because he would never have that privilege.

"_I fucking love you, you damned woman! Why the fuck don`t you notice me?"_ those words screamed out in his head, begging him to say them, pulling on every string of his existence. But all it would be fultile and it would only succeed in making him appear a deranged goth looking waiter with no life. As if that wasn`t true...he was losing his mind with each passing moment since he spotted that unique shade of royal blue that was her hair...he was a hopeless fool.

Maybe he wasn`t meant to have a normal and happy life like other teens of his age had. He was like an observer, he mused, watching people go on their merry way as if he were separated from this world by an invisible line, not meant to mend with the crowd and share those beatific moments like he wished to. Or a witness, he thought with a bitter laugh...being a witness to those who managed to fulfill their dreams, watching their stories as they unfolded themselves before his eyes like an old never ending movie while he didn`t have one.  
The truth was plain to him...he wouldn`t move on...didn`t have the strength to do that even if he wanted to, he was buried too deep...he wouldn` t oppose this time...he would carry this sin as a dark secret only he knew, concealed in the darkest place of his mind.

He would love her by the side and keep her in his dreams, like an old photograph, one he would never show to anyone, bringing it out in the shadowed moments of solitude...

**End.**


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